It’s coming up to five years since this second bout of alopecia and almost three years since my previous blog, trying to put things into some sort of perspective and explain my feelings and how things were affecting me day-to-day. 

Currently, I’m still very much in the same situation. Although I’m very much used to having a bald head, it’s still not “me” when I look at myself in the mirror or catch my reflection somewhere. Not the same face that stared back at me for many years (see 'before alopecia' pic).

I’ve continued to have small amounts of regrowth on my arms and legs—nothing major but signs of encouragement. I’ve also had a fair amount of growth on my head, which obviously feels like it should be fantastic news, but with this brings a different set of anxiety and feelings. 

Of course, I’m delighted there is something happening, but it’s not consistent and it’s very much scattered all over my head. Some regrowth is the soft white baby-type hair, and some has turned dark, which I assume is a bit further along the road to full regrowth.  

This is somehow causing more issues, as when I shave my head now, I have shadows of post-shaved stubble, much like the 5 o’clock shadow from a beard shave but on my head, when previously it was all super smooth. 

I feel I need to shave my head if we are going out somewhere where I can’t wear a cap, which is quite often. This makes it incredibly difficult to determine how much regrowth I have and where it is, as I’m always starting again. I always feel very self-conscious out and about, even though I’m sure no one else really cares about my head with its dark patches on. But for me, it’s constantly on my mind. 

While trying to let the hair grow between any shaving, I wear a cap still, as I think my hair looks very scruffy and a bit silly with a patch here and a patch there. It’s like the reverse to the start of my alopecia, just much slower. I’d like to be able to let it grow and see where I am over six months, but that would massively affect my social life, and I’m determined to keep doing everything I want to do and not let the inner demons I have about my hair loss get to me and stop me enjoying things. 

I’m very lucky that the support I get from my wife and son is huge! I can almost feel like myself with them when out without my cap - almost. When we're out and about, thoughts enter my head that people are thinking "How is she with him?" but that’s my issue and I know her love and support for me go way beyond my hair. My lad asked me only today when my hair will return. He is now ten, and it’s getting to half his life of him seeing me like this. I just hope it’s not something he has to deal with in his life. He is fine with it and likes to stroke the bristly bits when they grow, bless him, and tbh I enjoy him doing that too, haha. 

It’s amazing what wearing a hat does to my self-confidence; it takes away all that self-worry and anxiety that comes with alopecia, it really helps. But I’ve had times when someone has removed my cap as a joke or not thinking and the feeling that comes at that time is awful. It’s a sick feeling like whatever the situation, wherever I am, everyone is now looking at me. I know it’s not the case but that unnecessary embarrassment feeling still hits. 

I’ve had one issue recently when out for the day. We spent all day watching sport in a pub with my cap on, no problems. Then, at 7pm, I was asked to remove it. I asked why when I’d been here most of the day and was told it was policy. I wasn’t being awkward and explained my situation as I hadn’t shaved my head that day, foolishly thinking it would be covered all day. They didn’t seem to care and I was asked to leave even though they could not provide me with any signs or documentation to say their policy was no hats after a certain time. It was just another reminder to me that alopecia isn’t on everyone’s radar and that feeling of self-consciousness can hit me any moment.  

Having people like Jasmine on the Great British Bake Off definitely helps; I felt so proud even though I didn’t know her. She provided such brilliant representation and she looked amazing.

I’m very much aware the way I feel isn’t the same for everyone, and our journeys with alopecia are very individual. The anxiety that comes with it is also very personal, but I always found my hair was always a massive part of who I was. It’s been a difficult four years or so, but I’m remaining positive and continue to remind myself life goes on, and much worse things happen to people all the time. I don't say that to belittle what those with alopecia go through and the personal demons we all have to face; I just find it helps with my own mindset. 

I regularly check the Alopecia UK Facebook groups and comment if someone is having an issue or experiencing something I can support on, as it’s such a good place for advice and support. It would be great if someone somewhere found the reason and a cure for alopecia areata. I know it would help so many of us.